Oooooh, shiny!
One of the reasons I hesitate to make some grandiose pledge to blog every day, or even regularly, is that I lose focus. I guess I can point to any number of things as my excuse… maybe my four jobs… maybe being generally distracted… maybe a general amount of apathy… maybe adult ADHD. It could be any number of things, but I just feel generally unmotivated and unfocused lately.
%*@#*$)!@#!
When I started comedy, I kept it clean – VERY clean. I don’t know that for the first couple years, I had any naughty words come out of my mouth while doing a set. Those who know me in real life know this is a staggering statistic. I oftentimes joke now that I say “fuck” more times a day than all of the people in the room with me, combined. That’s probably not that far from the truth.
Looking back at me
When I look in the mirror, I don’t see what other people see. Or at least what they tell me they see.
Part of it is definitely related to my weight loss. Going from 320lbs to 150lbs is bound to make anyone a bit mirror-shocked. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see “Fat Amelia” but I don’t see “Thin Bitch Amelia” either. I think I see something in between, I guess.
When I look in the mirror, the words that come into my head aren’t kind. And I can’t quite figure out why my view of myself is so distorted.
Epic Failure
While working on some new comedy material, I decided to make a list of things I was afraid of. I suppose many folks would have items on it like spiders or dying… or leprechauns or trolls (maybe that was redundant, sorry)… I actually had a hard time making a list of my fears.
It’s not that I’m not afraid of things, I just don’t think there’s much I can’t handle. Yeah, I’m tough like that. And I will cut you if I need to/want to/feel that you need cuttin’.
Work It
This past spring marked my fifth year doing comedy. Five years. Wowza. I actually had to look back at dates to figure this out (I’m bad at math). And of course, that included the ubiquitous “break” that most comics take (mine was a little over a year). But yeah, five years.
When I started doing comedy, I thought it’d be completely different than it turned out to be. Don’t get me wrong, I dreamed, like most comics do – that I’d be surrounded by easy whores throwing their bras at me after an amazing set… and groupies.. perky-nippled groupies. Mmmmm! I mean I was a natural at hanging out with friends and making them laugh for hours. I had witty retorts for just about everything (can you say “Class Clown”?) and after becoming a bitter musician (as a 280 pound girl, was actually told to call a record producer back when I lost 150 of those pounds… yeah… anyhow, I digress…) I thought my passion for the stage was something I’d have to give up.
So that leads me to how I decided to try stand-up comedy – I’m out with my friend Shana at IHOP one day, and as I’m leaving a woman grabbed my arm and said “I was listening to your conversation with your friends and you are the funniest person I’ve ever heard, you should be a comedian.” And the dream was born – I was going to pursue stand-up comedy… and save for a shitty experience with a douchebag comic in Chicago who ran a ‘workshop’ (that’ll be another blog entry, I’m sure), I have never felt quite as much “me” as I have on stage as when I’m performing. Well, ok, I have felt like “me” off-stage – but my first “me”, truly “me” experience was telling jokes into a mic.
[and yes, I appreciate how much you want to feel me, you're very cute, hornball, now let's move on]
And now, 5 years in, I’m here to tell you – COMEDY IS HARD! It’s still hard. It will always be hard. And that means I’m doing it right.