Looking back at me
When I look in the mirror, I don’t see what other people see. Or at least what they tell me they see.
Part of it is definitely related to my weight loss. Going from 320lbs to 150lbs is bound to make anyone a bit mirror-shocked. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see “Fat Amelia” but I don’t see “Thin Bitch Amelia” either. I think I see something in between, I guess.
When I look in the mirror, the words that come into my head aren’t kind. And I can’t quite figure out why my view of myself is so distorted.
Physically looking in the mirror, I see “vanilla”. That’s the word I’d use. Nothing to write home about, nothing appealing really. Though I can’t say anything is horrifying either. Of course, as a woman, it’s my job to be totally self-critical. I see every imperfection probably 10000x bigger than they actually are. I think if I let myself, I could stare in the mirror for hours and just make an exhaustive list of things I’d change about my appearance if it were possible.
More disturbing though is that while I’ve begun surrounding myself with amazing people who say amazing things, I don’t see any of those things about myself.
I don’t see that I’m kind or caring. What I see is someone who is selfish and cold. Keeping folks at arm’s length to avoid anyone knowing the real me. I see someone who often fails those in her life because she can’t just “fix” things. I don’t think of myself as kind or caring.
My last post talked about failure – and so many people point out the things I’ve accomplished. And they are right – I have accomplished a few things that are probably noteworthy – but what I see looking back at me is
Happy is a word used to describe me by so many people. But I know that right now, not so deep down, I’m sad. Sadder than I’ve ever been. And while folks see happy and fun and charismatic – I see cold, sad and lonely.
People say I’m strong. Dear God, I wish I were. Maybe it’s just something I project because I am, deep down, incredibly weak and weak-willed. Where anyone gets any idea I’m strong is far beyond me. Super duper far.
Loving? Wow, hardly. I’m so judgmental and I’m quick to make rash decisions and say things that are anything but loving. And then I think “How can I be loving if I don’t even love myself?”
I guess that’s where I need to start – to figure out how to love myself. I have no idea where to start… but I want to see just a bit of what others say they see staring back at me in the not so distant future.
No related posts.
I used to feel this way sometimes. But I feel like I’ve gotten past most of it (at least I hope so!). It could also be due to hormonal or chemical imbalances, so you might want to look into that maybe…
At about the 2 year mark for me is when I realized all my pain and self hatred was now exposed and that I had not dealt with it. It is a bitch when you finally do start dealing with it, but it’s well worth the fight. Happy comes when you know you are being who you’re supposed to be and doing what you’re supposed to do. Strength comes from fighting against whatever box the world is trying to stuff you in. And love will come when you love yourself. Accepting yourself really does help you accept others and find beauty where you thought none was. Love you.